It's been a rough day for me today...and aside from stuffing my face with chocolate and watching "A Baby Story" I haven't done much to be productive.
I know I'm not patient, not in the least. Needless to say you have to have some serious patience not only as a parent (as many have pointed out) but as a pregnant woman too. Being in a heightened state of anxiousness is downright tiring, and I honestly have no idea how to turn it off. It's incredibly difficult to focus on anything besides the baby. I can't enjoy anything for very long before my brain takes over with thoughts about what that little pain was, whether that contraction is going to turn into something, what I can possibly do to get labor going. I have to admit I never thought I would be rounding the corner to 40 weeks. I never thought I would be considering an induction as a viable option. I never thought I would want to not be pregnant. I never thought I would feel so guilty for wanting to be done.
Yes, I am physically uncomfortable but that I can live with- physical discomfort is nothing compared to emotional discomfort. Emotionally I feel upside down, inside out and just plain tired. I have no motivation to do anything today, I spent 75% of my day in bed either napping or half-heartedly watching TV. If I could just put myself into a coma until it was time to have the baby I would. I've been repeatedly teased by my own stupid body. I have 2 or 3 contractions an hour but they never get stronger, never longer and never closer together. Heck, I'm having a nice good one now but I know it's not going to lead anywhere. It's emotional agony being hyped up only to be let down and I'm reaching my breaking point. I feel worn down and beaten down. The days seem to stretch on for an endless amount of time. I know that it won't last forever but I can't fathom another two weeks of this. I can't even imagine how a friend of ours is doing being a week overdue. I'd have lost my mind by then and she is a stronger willed woman than I am!
It's funny how your mind will change when you are at the end of your rope. I swore I would never, ever, let a doctor try and induce me until we were a week overdue but honestly if the doc suggests it at our next appointment...I'm thinking about doing it. I'm concerned about his movements being less and less as time is going on, probably since he is out of room, but that isn't my only rationalization. I will completely admit to being just impatient and done. Think what you want of me but I will admit defeat when it has beaten me down to nothing. If you showed up at my door with a bag of pitocin right now...I'd probably take it. It feels like I've run out of emotions, I've been run dry and I'm done. So until either labor strikes with unmistakeable force or the doctor admits me for induction I'm stuck here in limbo waiting on frayed and frazzled nerves.
I've often felt that God has tried to teach me this lesson repeatedly and I get the feeling it is a lot like trying to teach a squirrel quantum physics. Sometimes it takes being broken down until you can't stand or even kneel anymore to appreciate the lesson. That's where I'm at. On my face, giving up control and handing myself over to Him. I'm not going to try and induce labor anymore, but rather just pray and trust God that I won't end up such a crippled emotional mess that I need a padded room and extra snug jacket. See you all Wednesday.