An Early Surprise!

As you probably already know, our little girl arrived a bit early on July 31st!

I am about as surprised as could be that she decided to grace us with her presence a bit early. I was fully expecting her to be late just like her brother and sister. Boy was I off.
So here I sit with my one week old snuggled up on my chest and it's not even her due date yet. Honestly, I am a little sad that I didn't have time to prepare myself for birth. Sure I had bags packed (thank goodness!) but I was not mentally ready. I was so done being pregnant but then again I wasn't. I was tired, I hurt and I was unbelievably uncomfortable but I miss having my big belly and feeling all of the little kicks and rolls. My co-workers tell me I looked pretty done on my last day at work, which I didn't know was my last day! Anyways, Ellie has been a great baby so far and I love her to pieces. Big brother and sister are adjusting really well and they love having a little sister. Today is my first day on my own and honestly it was way harder than I thought it would be but I made it with all three kids in one piece. So, without further adiue I give you the story of what happened that day.

It was about 5:00am (ish) and I woke up and felt kind of wet. In pregnancy weird things like that happen. It's not glamorous but it's true! I ignored it and went back to sleep. About 15 minutes late I rolled over and again...wet. Now I was suspicious. I got up and put a towel under me and laid there for a little bit longer. I moved again and felt the extremely specific gush that I knew was my waters. I was now convinced and extremely excited. I woke Kenny up and told him the surprise, "my water broke!".

Of course the timing was horrible. It was Lucy's 2nd birthday and I had plans to spend the day with her, prep for her birthday party the next day and just enjoy being with my kiddo on their birthday. For the record I have now missed all of my kids birthdays, except of course the ones where they were born, for school or work or now labor reasons. It was also the last day of the month, one of the most busy and stressful days for Kenny at work. Great timing Ellie!

So, now that I knew for sure we were having a baby soon I activated the grandparents. My parents came over to watch the toddlers. Kenny went into work to get a few things squared away. I wasn't contracting so I figured he had a little bit of time. My mom drove me to the hospital and after a quick test confirming it was indeed amniotic fluid I was gushing I was admitted.

They tried one round of cytotec to get contractions going since apparently my body decided it was going to be lazy and not initiate anything. That did nothing for me so out came the Pitocin. Uhg. I hate pitocin. HATE.

By this point it is later in the day and not much progress has been made. Dr. Wiese came in and checked me out. She found I still had some intact membrane in front of baby's head so she ruptured it. After that the contractions really, really picked up. They were pretty awful and I can't believe I forgot how much they suck. I did great but it got to be a bit much and I knew even though I wanted a drug free birth...I needed some help. I got a dose of pain medication and that provided a little relief but not much.

The contractions got worse and worse and things started going pretty fast. I was a mess but thanks to my awesome support from my family and hubby I made it. I got one more dose of pain meds but it did zero to help. Not a tiny bit of relief. I used by lifeline too early and I knew it. After crushing Kenny's hand and making incredibly weird sounds for a few hours I knew it was time. Honestly I wasn't sure doc was going to make it. My nurse, who happened to be my OB clinical instructor, told me not to worry she had delivered babies before! Luckily the doc arrived and I had a new mission: get that baby the hell out of me and just make the pain stop. A few pushes later and there was a baby on my chest.

Of course I was waiting eagerly to hear if we had a girl or boy and I guess the Dr. said it was a girl but I didn't hear. Kenny told me it was a girl and I looked for myself and shrieked, "It's a girl?!?!!" Pretty sure the whole hospital knew it was a girl. I profusely apologized for all of my shouting and odd noise making. The nurses assured me it was no problem.

Kenny finally got to cut the cord for one of our kids. The other two had it around the neck so it was cut quickly by the doctor. I was thrilled this finally got to happen! It was such an awesome experience and I loved that my dad also got to be there to see his grandbaby come into the world. Miss Eleanore Irene Stutler was born at 11:50pm on her big sisters birthday by 10 minutes. She was the teeniest thing at 6lbs and 13oz and 18in long.

She did pretty well that first night and even now she's been a great baby at night. We brought her home and so far things have been going well. Kenny took a week off work to help me out at home. I needed the help too. This recovery has been hell on me but it's slowly getting better.

So that is the story of how little Ellie came to join us three weeks early and she has stolen all our hearts!

35 Weeks- Only 35 days until the due date!

Today marks 35 weeks and that means we only have 35 days left until the due date. I'm still firmly in the "I'm so going to end up over due" camp. So I am trying not to get too terribly excited yet. I'm still in some bit of denial that we will be having a third baby soon too.

Baby is doing quite well and is roughly 6lbs (give or take an ounce) and gaining weight fast. As for me, thankfully this pregnancy has been the kindest on my scale as I'm only up 15lbs from pre pregnancy weight. I'm lucky, call it good genes. Doc is happy with baby's growth and overall well-being. Not to say she doesn't lecture me every single time I'm there. I'm supposed to be resting, staying off my feet, drinking more water...etc. None of which I have been able or willing to accomplish of course. I'm still working full time and intend to just waddle my way around the floor until something happens. It would be incredibly convenient if my water could just break right at the end of a shift and I'd just waddle right on down to L&D one floor down. I can dream right?

I'm insanely uncomfortable, everything hurts and it feels like I have a bowling ball wedged in my pelvis where my internal organs previously resided. I have not missed these feelings. Soon enough though it will all be gone and I'll miss being pregnant all over again. I've started dilating and having a ridiculous amount of braxton hicks but for now they are not causing any huge changes. Although it's good my body is prepping I know better than to get excited.

I've gotten most of the stuff I wanted to done now. The baby's nursery is a corner in our room for now. Since we don't know which room will be doubling its occupancy yet. We keep our kiddos in our bedroom for the first 6 months anyways so it doesn't matter too much. I still made up the corner to be a bit nurseryish though. Had to satisfy that nesting itch. The last thing on my list is to pack a hospital bag and go-bags for the kids. I'm planning on getting that finished next week sometime I think.

We get to go to Vegas for our third and last ultrasound on Saturday. I am so excited to see this little one more developed and almost ready to come on out and meet us!

At the most I will have to just be patient for another 7 weeks which I'm sure will be long, drawn out and agonizing but so worth it.

For kicks and giggles, I compared my belly at 35 weeks across all three pregnancies:

31 Weeks! Happy Father's Day!

Already 31 weeks! Just another 11 weeks and we will finally have our bundle of joy in our arms and I'll wonder why on Earth we did this for a third time.

We are celebrating a nice and relaxing Father's day today after a lovely little baby shower yesterday. The shower was great and I got to see my good friends and family and of course stuff my face with enough food for about 10 people. It was a small little affair but it was perfect nonetheless. Third babies really don't need much and  I know a lot of people frown upon showers for even second kids but it was so much fun getting to see everybody, honestly the presents were at the bottom of my list. Having the shower at my favorite restaurant was the best idea ever too, I didn't have to do a darn thing but show up! It was awesome. Highly recommend going that route.

This weekend has been a blast but I am exhausted from it all. Exhausting me isn't hard to do anymore though. This pregnancy has been tough and it's only getting tougher by the day but I try to stay positive and not let the crummy parts get me down. At our doctors appointments they always ask how I'm feeling and I just want to smack them. I feel like a bloated whale in the Sahara desert...that answer your question? You name the problem and I've got it. From heartburn to frequent painful contractions and everything in between. Just all part of this awesome little miracle of life thing though. Pregnancy: when you find it completely normal to be browsing the hemorrhoid cream aisle and buying bladder control pads. As fun as this whole thing has been I wouldn't trade it for the world. The little booger is happy and healthy so it's all worth it.

The last appointment had the heart rate at a lovely 150bpm and I'm even measuring just a smidge ahead. My weight gain so far has been minimal, a mere 10 pounds so far and considering my overweight status prior to pregnancy that's just about perfect. Booger is also head down and seems to be pretty comfy that way. I have a completely unfounded fear of a transverse or breech position so hearing the doctor confirm the proper position is comforting.

We get to do our last 3d/4d/hd whatever it is now scan on the 16th and I'm super excited to see what the baby looks like with some baby fat on their bones. The tech last time was awesome at not spilling the beans on gender so I have total confidence they won't ruin it this time. I had been going bonkers not knowing the gender but at this point I feel kind of like, well...I've waited this long...might as well.

I haven't been eagerly prepping as much as I did with the others. With Roxas I had the crib set up before the second trimester, Lucy it was around the middle of second trimester and this one...well...the co-sleeper is still in the shed. I did drag a spare dresser into our bedroom for the few baby clothes/blankies/diapers I have gathered but that's pretty much it. I'll probably start dragging stuff in and assembling things eventually. I am trying so hard not to get too eager beaver and think I'll go into labor any time before my due date, which is why I say 11 weeks left and not 9. If you count until my due date it's 9 weeks, if you count until 42 weeks it's 11. I was so anxious those last few weeks with the other two I drove myself mad. I'm trying to be relaxed and just assume the longest time frame. Anything sooner is a pleasant surprise. So far I'm actually doing quite well.

It helps that I make the worst pregnant lady ever. I don't listen worth anything to any "rules". I lift what I want, I eat what I want, and I essentially carry on as usual. My only change is I don't drink beer, which I miss. The doctor wants me to do kick counts every week and I can honestly say the kick count sheet she gave me two weeks ago is still folded up in my bag from the appointment. Due to my frequent and painful contractions I'm also supposed to rest and work as little as possible which is probably about as likely as a breezy 65 degree day in July. I figure they're good practice right? As long as baby is healthy I operate as per usual which drives other people absolutely nuts. I find some enjoyment in this though.

I am probably in some kind of denial that we are having a third baby relatively soon. It's almost July and I know those four weeks will fly by just like June. Then another 3 weeks and it will be the due date. Of course in my head I still insist we have lots and lots of time. I haven't even thought about labor and delivery beyond, "do I really have to do that again? Uhg. It sucks." Maybe once it's August I'll start admitting it will be soon, maybe.

Third Trimester!

We are officially in the first week of my third and final trimester! There is still a long ways to go but I can see the light at the end of the tunnel now.

Baby is growing well and moving more and more each day. Everything is measuring right on track and the little booger is in the vertex or head down position. I'm inexplicably paranoid of the baby flipping to be breech so I constantly check to see what the position is. I'm sure this poor kid is really quite annoyed with me for that. Normal moms to be read things like What to Expect and I'm over here reading maternal nursing textbooks and doing my own fundus measurements. I can't help it. 

There is a lot going on in the next few months and I'm kind of grateful for it. Our baby shower is next month and then Lucy's birthday and our final 3d/4d ultrasound is the month after that. I wholly intend upon working right up until I go into labor to help distract me too. It would actually be quite convenient to go into labor at work. I am 100% assuming I will be overdue with this baby so as not to get my hopes up when that due date rolls around. I learned my lesson finally...maybe. I may not even get everything ready until the week I'm due *gasp* 

I'm excited to finally meet this little person who is making me so miserable all the time. I just have to dig deep and find my patience to wait those 14 more weeks!

 

So The House Passed this Abortion Bill...

*Disclaimer: This is MY opinion. You will not change it (sorry) and if it offends you or you disagree then you are free to have your own, separate, opinion elsewhere. I will not debate my values and beliefs. 

I live under a rock pretty much all the time and that's either a good thing or a bad thing. Probably a little bit of both. I am blissfully unaware of most of the atrocities going on in the world which on one hand is kind of nice not having that depressing negativity in my life but on the other it does make me a bit oblivious which is not particularly great. 

Every once in awhile some news squeaks in under my rock and I find out about big issues in the world. 90% of the time I keep my mouth shut and quietly keep my opinions to myself unless asked for them specifically. This is one that just really gets my goat though and since this is my blog and I can share what I want I felt compelled to share my thoughts on this one.  This issue that has floated into my cave this week is the abortion bill the House passed. Essentially the bill places a ban on abortions performed after 20 weeks. Unfortunately I don't see the Senate passing this bill and the White House has already stated President Obama is likely to issue a veto on it if it does pass, so I highly doubt this bill will become reality.

The fact that it is highly unlikely this bill, proposing it should be illegal for a fetus to be terminated after 20 weeks gestation, will pass just boggles my mind. I don't get it. Really...We as humans are arguing over whether it's OK to terminate an unborn human life. WHAT THE FRUITCAKE KIND OF WORLD ARE WE LIVING IN? Yeah...caps needed.

Let's look at the definition of fetus: the young of an animal in the womb or egg, especially in the later stages of development when the body structures are in the recognizable form of its kind, in humans after the end of the second month of gestation.

If somebody aborted their dogs puppies at 30 days gestation (halfway point for dogs) I have a feeling the collective pro-choice people out there would lose their minds and the person who did it would be figuratively hanged. Yet nobody bats an eye if a woman wants to abort a fetus because, well that's her choice right?  

I'm willing to concede there is some room for debate when it comes to "where does life begin" and all that but that's not what this is about. For the record my answer to that is when the heart first beats. We are talking about a fetus after 20 weeks gestation here. TWENTY WEEKS. Halfway baked. Heart beating, kicking, thumb sucking, tiny human level.

20 weeks...

Of course there are those that cry out about women's safety! Personal choice! Human rights violations!

BULL CRAP.

There are times when a mother's life is in danger from the continuation of a pregnancy. Absolutely those circumstances exist and those cases should be evaluated individually by medical professionals. There are instances of rape or incest, which is a whole different can of worms that I will keep sealed but again...it's a situation that necessitates individual case consideration.
Personal choice and human rights? What about the fetus...where is it's personal choice and human rights? Pretty darn sure if given the option and capable of comprehension the baby would want to live...just a hunch. Personal choice ends when it starts to involve another person. It's your personal choice to surgically alter yourself into a cat, or turn from a guy to a girl. It is NOT your personal choice to kill another human. When it's just your body, when there is just one heartbeat to your being, you can do with it what you want, knock yourself out. When there are two of you, two distinctly different heartbeats...now it's not entirely your body.

Many of those who oppose this bill cry out about how this will hinder women who were victims of rape or harm those whose health is in danger. Well, the top reasons for abortion are not rape/incest or health concerns.

The number one reason for abortion: birth control failure. Or I should say falling into the category of the 9% failure rate for typical use with oral hormonal birth control, or the 18% failure rate for typical male condom use. Gasp! So birth control like condoms or the pill isn't 100%?! Ahem...No shitake sherlock. It says so right on the packaging insert that nobody reads. 51% of women who have abortions used contraceptives in the month they became pregnant.
So those who cry this bill will hurt women's health or rape victims...your argument is invalid. In fact, three-fourths of women cite concern for or responsibility to other individuals; three-fourths say they cannot afford a child; three-fourths say that having a baby would interfere with work, school or the ability to care for dependents; and half say they do not want to be a single parent or are having problems with their husband or partner.

Yes, there is an issue here. NO it is not that women need easy/cheap/free/highly accessible abortions. That is not helpful. I get it, grown adults are going to have sex and even though they use a prevention method they fail. Then I hear the cries, "They shouldn't have to live with the life altering results of a baby just because their method failed! How dare you force that on another person's life!" Again...BULL CRAP. Life happens, there is a RISK to sex no matter what. It's a risk you take and by accepting the risk you accept the consequence. Grow up and put on your big girl panties. Just because the consequence is inconvenient to you or places you in a hardship doesn't mean you get to commit murder. Sorry, not sorry. I could risk my life savings in the stock market and when I lose it all and it causes me hardship in my life I don't get to force my broker to give me back all the money I lost just because I refuse to accept the consequence of the risk I took.

The issue is not a black and white one. It's not an easy fix and I don't have answers but I do know this much: killing a human being with a beating heart who feels pain is not the answer. How we ever thought it was is beyond my comprehension.
Do we need better eduction about pregnancy prevention? YES
Do we need better access to low cost and affordable birth control? YES
The solution is fixing HOW these women end up in this position in the first place, not simply wiping out the consequence. It is a freaking human life, not a boil to be lanced.

23 Weeks and Counting

         23 weeks pregnant and only 19 more to go! Time has gone by fast but it also feels like an eternity since December. Baby is growing fast and so is my tummy, as Roxas loves to point out. He or she is more than 11 inches long and probably around a pound or so in weight. I feel more and more kicks every day and I love it. Having the anterior placenta this time really, really, sucked. I was looking forward to feeling those kicks and flutters sooner but at least I'm not dealing with placenta previa so I should count my lucky stars there. I spend as much time as the kids and this busy life will allow watching my belly jump and pop with each kick and punch.
          I'm really wishing I could have gotten that "honeymoon" trimester feeling but it seems this time around I don't get the luxury. I'm perpetually tired but I also want to nest. It's a vicious cycle. My ankles are all but gone, my wedding ring is making an indent in my finger and every bone in my hips feels as if it's being strained. I'm just going to be a joy in my third trimester. I also can't seem to remember my own name at times but thankfully I haven't forgotten anything super important...like the kids.
           I saw the neurologist for my odd little migraine headaches I've been having and he diagnosed them as basilar artery migraines and unfortunately there really isn't anything he can do. Oxygen may help a little but really there is no treatment safe for me and baby right now. I'm hoping once the baby is born they will stop and it's all down to hormones or something.
           I'm getting very nesty. I've started pulling a few items out of storage and next week I plan on getting all the clothing out and sorting that which is a huge undertaking. I'm still not quite sure where exactly this baby's stuff is all going to go but I have a few ideas. We've also decided to do a small get together baby "sprinkle" party instead of a huge shower because honestly we don't need much for this baby and I just want to spend time with my friends and family before I become a recluse for three months. More info on that to come. I can't believe Lucy will be 2 in just another three months and then the next month will be our due date month.
            I fully anticipate going overdue with this baby though so I'm planning more for the very tail end of August or even September. You never know!

       Overall this pregnancy has for sure been my most difficult, most interesting and most frustrating but I can't wait to meet this little alien baby of mine and finally know which name I'm going to be calling them. Now that we are past the 20 weeks scan I'm kind of ok with the whole surprise thing but oh man it's killing me not being able to go nuts on Disney Baby and buy up all the cute little girl or boy stuff. I scheduled our 30 week 3D scan already and I'm pretty excited for that. It's always my favorite scan because I can really start wrapping my head around the tiny face in my tummy.
       The kids are still a little bit clueless I think. I can't wait to see what their reactions are to a new baby. I'm hoping they will be positive but I expect a certain level of chaos with them figuring out what life means with a newborn baby in the house.

We've still got a ways to go but it's starting to sink in a little bit more that we really will have three kids. Then I start panicking a little bit but it's all going to be ok...I think.

 Small benefit to being pregnant in summer: who cares about a beach ready body!

I Made a Zoo!

I've been trying to somewhat organize and clean up the kids rooms and one of the biggest space occupying problems was all the kids stuffed animals. I probed the vast creative collective of Pinterst for ideas on ways to defy physics and stuff a lot of kids stuff into a small space. That's when I saw the stuffed animal zoo. I thought it was a great idea and looked easy enough that I could make it myself. After all it's just a giant square...I can handle a square right?

So, off to Lowe's I went and got all the stuff I'd need and had them cut the wood and panel board to all the right sizes. I did have to order the bungee cord from Amazon though.

Supplies:
I used 2x4 boards because I thought it would be a bit more sturdy but other plans use smaller/thinner pieces of wood. Use your judgement, but be sure to adjust the other parts of the project to fit.

(4) 6ft long 2x4s
(12) 2ft long 2x4s
(1) Panel board 72"x 31"
100ft of 1/4" bungee/shock cord from amazon
Wood screws
Metal washers
Primer/paint in your choice of color
If you want to add the little decorations I got the animals and sign from Hobby Lobby

So after I got all my pieces home I began assembling the frame for the box. I probably did it all kinds of wrong and my dad would probably be banging his head against the wall watching me but hey, it worked!

 You'll use the 6ft pieces as the four corners of your box and then the 2ft pieces go at the top, middle and bottom.

Then, screw your panel board on the back of your box using the screws and washers to keep it from pulling through the board. Mine was brown because I'm cheap and didn't want to pay more for the white board when I'm going to paint the whole thing anyways. You can get white and save yourself a step though if you'd like.

 Once your box is all set with it's back you can prime/paint it. I went ahead and used primer and then a semi gloss paint on mine.

 I was waiting on my shock cord to arrive still so I started in on the decorations. You may want to wait, or not. It didn't cause any issues putting the "bars" on.

Once the cord arrived I could start putting the "bars" on the zoo. This was probably the most frustrating and time consuming part. I've heard of people using staples to secure them but that just seemed entirely too weak to me and all I picture is one of the kids getting snapped as they attempt to take an animal out. So, I used metal wood screws and metal washers. Those things are going absolutely nowhere. The bars on mine are about every 4 inches but you can measure your board and figure out what spacing is the most appealing to you. Mine aren't perfect and I'm ok with that because working with bungee cord is really difficult to keep it nice and even. I can't even begin to count the number of times one of those snapped back in my face while I was trying to screw it to the board.

So, there you have it: my zoo! Side note, be sure to measure your doors and make sure the whole zoo will fit through it. I ended up getting very lucky and it JUST barely fit through ours. There was a lot of shoving involved in getting it into the actual room but it made it. Also, it is pretty heavy to be moving around so try to limit how much you move it to save yourself some work. Overall it was pretty simple but it just took much more that I thought, like most DIY projects of mine. The cost was about $80 for absolutely everything, and a lot of hard work.  Once you get it in place just fill it up and enjoy having those stuffed animals corralled in a cute but efficient manner!

19 Weeks! Happy Birthday to Me!

I can't believe it is week 19 already! The little one is half a foot long and weighs half a pound already. Today is also special since it is my birthday! This is probably the first birthday in a long time I've been excited to celebrate. I guess it's a little special since I am now halfway through my twenties. It's all downhill towards 30 now ;-)

Despite our hopes to take our first family trip to Disneyland this month we have had to postpone the trip until next year sometime. Things just didn't work out between work and we decided it was probably better to pay off some debt than go on a big trip. Being an adult sucks sometimes. We are still going to celebrate my birthday with a small trip to Vegas to see one of our favorite comedians perform and go to one of my favorite restaurants in Vegas: Gordon Ramsay. Grandma and grandpa are taking the kiddos for the night so we will finally get a little time to ourselves. Between all this being sick and working we haven't been able to go on a date in about two months!

Speaking of being sick, we are all FINALLY better! I'm still trying to shake a little bit of a cough but it's gone for the most part. The kids are finally back to their normal insanity and all it right in the world again. I am so glad to be over that and I never want to go through it ever again!

The little one is doing great and I've finally started to get some bigger popcorn like kicks but they are still very small and not super noticeable. I can't wait for Roxas and Lucy to be able to feel them. I bet they will think it's pretty darn cool. Roxas told me today my belly was too big, and I asked him why mommy's belly was so big and he informed be "mommy has a baby in her tummy!". I really like having an older kiddo who can somewhat grasp what's going on but I don't think he will really, truly, get it until the baby is here.

We will have our anatomy scan in two weeks, when we will be HALFWAY done already!!! I can't believe it. I'm excited to see the little squish looking more baby like and less like a furry jellybean. I still argue with myself over wanting to know and not wanting to know. Part of me hopes the doctor will slip and accidentally show the gender. The other half of me still gets excited to think about being surprised when the baby arrives. It's a pretty even split right now. I'm still frustrated not knowing but I like the novelty a lot too.

I have some packing to do and kids to feed so that's all for now!

17 Weeks

Time is just flying right by and now we are getting really close to being halfway done! Only 160 days left, I can't believe it. I went to the doctor yesterday and baby is looking great. The heart rate is 153bpm and all is measuring perfectly. I still only feel little infrequent flits and flutters for now, which kind of bums me out but I know the real kicks aren't far away. I have a sneaky suspicion my placenta is anterior this time which means it's toward the front of the belly and can cushion some movements.

The belly is getting bigger and bigger. Lucy and Roxas are starting to catch on a little bit. I told Roxas there was a baby in mommy's tummy and he said "Yeah that's why it's so big! The doctor is gonna get the baby out of your tummy!" Smart kid. Lucy just points at my belly and yells "baby!".

We've finally found two names that we both like. I'm not sure they'll be the official picks but good grief just finding a single name we both like that has no ties to any friends or annoying people has been difficult at best. Just like the gender though, you have to wait until August to find out. We have our anatomic anomaly scan the first week of April and I'm excited to finally see something that looks like a baby and not just a blobby jelly bean. Hopefully my willpower can hold out through the scan because I really do want to know!

It's starting to sink in a little more that this is real. Especially having names we like, it really makes a difference.  I've been thinking about getting things ready and what stuff I need to pull out of storage a little more seriously now. I've finally found a theme I like with woodland creatures. It's a variation of the jungle animals but without the monkeys *shudder*. Of course we don't need much but I've found a few things we will splurge a little on. I know it's a little excessive to buy new things when we already have a lot of girly and boy blankets or outfits and whatnot but I firmly believe each of my kids deserve some things of their own.

The family is slowly getting better. Actually pretty much everybody else is better except me. I'm going on 3 almost 4 weeks of being sick. Now my sinusitis (thanks flu!) has caused a lovely little ear infection and is making me absolutely miserable. Unfortunately I can't get anything to help soothe the pain. It's absolutely maddening and one of the worst pains I've encountered. I can hardly swallow anything, even warm tea or cool popsicles hurt like crazy. This is problematic considering my weight is still too low for the doctor's liking. I'm supposed to have gained about 5-10 pounds by now but I've only lost even more being sick. Hopefully I can finally get back to being well sometime very soon.

Until next time...

Roxas Turns 3!

I can't believe it. Tomorrow three years will have passed since this picture was taken. It's so interesting going back and reading my thoughts from this day three years ago.

 Three years ago I was checking and re-checking our bags, which had been packed for weeks and weeks. I remember sitting quietly in our living room and just enjoying the quiet, the calm and the clean. It's never been the same since. I remember watching the clock, waiting for it to finally be time to leave. Kenny got home and I remember the anticipation we both felt. We stood in our kitchen talking about how much things were about to change. Making remarks about how we couldn't believe it was already time. I was eating fruit snacks and feeling Roxas kicking me as we stood there, about to walk out of our house and return forever changed. 

It was a long night, and an even longer day, and then another long evening. Then he was here and we were parents. Now that little skinny old man baby is sitting next to me showing his little sister a book about to turn three years old. He has grown and learned so much already. He's full of attitude and independence, like most three year olds, and he pushes my patience to the limits. He's funny and sweet, sensitive and caring. I can't believe the change that has happened right in front of my eyes as he's turned from a lump of baby to this active and bright little human. 

In some respects it seems like a long time, with an amazing amount of things changing so quickly. Yet it also feels like it was just yesterday we were bringing our little boy home for the first time. 

I'm really sad that for his first and second birthdays I was in nursing school clinical and now this year I am having to work but those are the sacrifices I knew I may have to make when I went into this field. I wish I were able to spend his birthday with him, but we will settle for celebrating this weekend.

Happy Birthday Roxas

15 Weeks-Let's Play Ball!

Well, I'm closing out my 15th week of pregnancy! Baby is about the size of a navel orange, or if you'd prefer a non-food comparison: a baseball. Little one is growing rapidly now. I've been feeling more and more little movements. They are still a little hard for me to detect but I know them when I feel them. I love feeling the movements of that little life I'm protecting. My favorite part of second trimester is definitely feeling those first kicks and punches.

I'm still fighting off this flu. This particular bug is a viscous one. I'm still fighting off this terrible cough which gives me the worst headache. It's also caused the blood vessels in my eyes to rupture, leaving me looking like I should be walking on the set of some horror movie with bright red bloody patches on the whites of my eyes. I've most likely developed a secondary bronchitis infection (Yay!) and should probably have a doctor look at it but I'm procrastinating it. The downfall to being a nurse is I feel like I just go pay a doctor to look at me and tell me that I am indeed right and what I'm doing is the exact treatment they'd prescribe. They should be paying me. 

I may be miserable and  possibly probably dying but baby is doing great at least. I check on his or her heartbeat all the time. I'm so thankful I bought that doppler, best baby purchase ever! It gives me so much relief when I hear that little clip clop gallop. Of course it's no guarantee everything is ok but it's a pretty decent indicator. I'm still down several pounds. At my very first appointment I weighed 178lbs *shudder* and this morning I am a shockingly light 163lbs. Sadly enough that's actually less than what I weighed before getting pregnant with Roxas. Between the flu and the morning sickness I have had a pretty hard time eating enough. Thankfully my body has lots of extra fat it can tap into. Perks of being fluffy.

We are still planning on staying "Team Yellow" as in we still aren't finding out the gender of the baby until delivery day. That's not to say I'm totally at peace with it. There are many, many, MANY, moments where I am so frustrated that I can't know. I'm a little bit obsessive and I like to plan. I had both kids nurseries set up by now so not having anything set up is driving me a little bit insane. Plus I pretty much hate all gender neutral baby items. For some reason gender neutral is synonymous with jungle animals. Most jungle animals I'm ok with but it's the monkeys I really don't like. I don't know where my distaste of monkeys comes from. I just really don't like them. They steal your stuff, they fling poo at you and they bite...I just don't like em!
I also love to crochet and knit but it's a little hard not knowing whether to knit pink or blue, mickey or minnie, frilly or classy...you get the idea. I'm still a fan of the novelty though and I think I would be silly not to take advantage of our perfect situation for not knowing. After all I will never know which is better until I do both right? I have finally found a theme I think I like and it will be some variation of jungle animals: Dumbo and/or Lion king. I'm loving the Disney Baby Dumbo set as well as the Lion King set. Both are quite gender neutral with the ability to accessorize either boy or girl.

I'm also very decided that I will not be meeting with any pitocin this time (barring any serious medical issue of course!). I know, I know...I said the same thing twice before and I practically pounced on the opportunity for induction. This time I have a plan! I'm insisting Kenny accompany me to all OB appointments in the last month so that when the Doc eventually offers up the pitocin...he can smack me and tell me no. It seems my willpower starts crumbling right around 39 weeks or so and I'll almost agree to anything. Fight a lion and I'll go into labor? SURE! Climb Mt. Everest and I'll go into labor? Absolutely! Really, I'll agree to anything. So my new plan is to use somebody else willpower! Somebody else who isn't being influenced by a flood of hormones which make them notoriously unstable. I am hoping it works. I'd really, really, really, like to go through spontaneous labor for once. After March we will be halfway through the pregnancy already. It seems like it's just going so fast! It's finally sinking in that it's real, we are really going to have a newborn, a three year old and a two year old all at the same time. Then I wish I could drink a really nice glass of wine because that idea makes me wonder where I left my sanity.

This month is so full of fun stuff I can hardly contain myself. Roxas turns 3 (Say whaaaaaaa?) I turn 25 (woo) and we are finally taking our first family trip to Disneyland (WOOOO!) So much fun to come and I can't wait. Now I just need to get better!

Welcome to Second Trimester! Now have some flu!

Yay! It's officially the start of my second trimester! To celebrate...I caught the flu. Type A to be specific. Yup. After feeling coming down with some yucky symptoms last night I decided to just go to the doctor. I was in complete denial that it was flu of course, even though I knew the symptoms were textbook flu. Sure enough my flu swab was positive. Stupid flu shot...thanks for nothing. So doctor ordered me to go home and rest for at least 5 days. I can't go back to work until I've been fever free for at least 24 hours with no tylenol or anything to bring my temp down.

I'm really hoping nobody else catches this gunk. Two kids and a hubby with flu would be the worst! I know the kiddos got their flu shots...but obviously...it wasn't very effective against MY flu! I'm quarantined to my bed and I've taken lysol to every surface I could to try and cut down on my flu germs everywhere.

Flu and pregnancy is not the best combination and it has the potential to be quite dangerous but I'm going to be a good patient and listen to the doctor. I'm trying my best to rest and get over this fast.

So Long First Trimester!

Finally, I'm 13 weeks and 6 days pregnant! That means as of tomorrow I will officially be in my second trimester!

I am excited for my favorite trimester and all of the fun stuff it brings. Hopefully the less desirable symptoms begin to lessen and the more fun symptoms begin. I love second trimester for so many reasons but the best is when the baby's movements get much more prominent. Since about 11 weeks or so I've felt some of the little grasshopper like flicks and swishes but they are few and far between. I can't wait to have Kenny and the kids be able to feel this little one on the move in there. That is by far my favorite part of pregnancy. It's such a unique feeling that I wish I could hold onto it forever.

I still feel awful most days. There are good days and bad days still. I'm currently working on getting rid of a crummy chest cold. I'm really hoping the old saying of "hard pregnancy equals easy labor" is true! Still I'm finding I enjoy the idea of being pregnant a little bit more than before. That's probably because I have so few moments to really savor it, when I get a moment I really make the most of it.

I'm still pretty happy with our choice to keep the gender a surprise until the delivery but there are for sure moments when I see cute little things that are highly gender specific and wish I could just know. I also have a hard time trying to avoid using he or she. I just hate the sound of calling our baby "it". We still haven't decided on any name possibilities but we still have 26 weeks or so to figure that out.

The belly is growing and I've found myself diving into the box of maternity clothes more often than not. I love maternity clothes though. Seriously, I love those elastic waistbands! So comfy! My second favorite part of second trimester is the growing belly. I'm always amazed at how fast it just appears out of nowhere one day. I'm really looking forward to having my own personal shelf again too. That was very nice.

Roxas and Lucy have both started daycare today and it is going quite well. I'm lucky enough that I am friends with one of the teachers there and she has given me wonderful updates today, even sending me pictures of their first day! Even though I really didn't want them to have to start daycare yet, it was really a needed thing. They will benefit from getting to play with and see other kids and I get a break one day each week since they have a three day minimum and I usually only work two weekdays! Today was one of those days and boy was it nice. I wish I didn't feel so crummy, but running errands and things without the kids was a dream! You really don't realize how nice it is to just go to a store without the routine of getting kids in and out of the car, wrangling them in a store, and putting them back into the car after shopping. It was a little heartbreaking having to leave them this morning but they handled it quite well. Roxas held onto my leg and didn't want to let go but they warmed up eventually and have been having fun.

Lots of fun changes and new things are happening in the next few months and I am excited for all that will be happening. Especially our (hopeful) Disneyland trip next month!

50 Shades That Just Won't Go Away

 *Disclaimer: If you love 50 Shades and feverishly defend it, you will be offended. This is MY opinion, it will not change,  and you are not being forced to read it.*

The hype over 50 Shades of Grey is only getting bigger and bigger as the release date nears. The level of annoyed I am is also getting bigger and bigger as the hype grows.

I truly cannot figure out why a huge majority of the female population is losing their minds over this movie.  It makes me sad. Really, it does. I am sad my gender has lowered itself to such a level. A level where we condemn men for watching porn too much and ogling the female form like unrepentant horndogs and then turn around and find ourselves lost in the eyes of Christian Grey. Well ladies...you might want to take a look in the mirror. It's truth time.

You can tell yourself it's a love story, just like the Notebook. *For the record I have read all three Shades books and I have not ever read nor watched the Notebook*

You can tell yourself it's a harmless fantasy.

You can tell yourself it's just a passionate BDSM relationship and that's why everybody thinks it's so tabboo.

No. You. Are. Wrong.

Yup. Bringing out the big words and even punctuation for emphasis.

The books themselves were horrifyingly bad. Not just the content but the writing. I am fairly certain a high school student could have written a better book with the same content. The vocabulary was lacking and the story was reliant upon the sex and taboo nature of BDSM. Hardly up to the reputation for "award winning writing" in my opinion.

The story was a poorly constructed fan fiction concoction based upon Twilight. Twilight does have it's own issues to address regarding writing but remember they were written for an audience of older teens/young adults and 50 was written specifically for adults. Just by looking at the writing styles and vocabulary you would think it was the other way around.

A lot of people who dislike the books take issue with the whole BDSM thing. That's not my problem. If you enjoy being tied up and having your partner dominate you, to whatever extreme you find comfortable. As long as it is based on a mutual respect, love, safety and enjoyment...by all means have at it! Not my thing, but if it's yours I say more power to you. When I say mutual respect, love, safety and enjoyment I mean just that. You both have agreed to the arrangement before the domination/subordination relationship begins, you both acknowledge an enjoyment of it, there are safety precautions in place and you both have enough respect for each other to not take it farther than the other is comfortable with and end the relationship if one partner no longer enjoys the activities.

In this twisted version of a BDSM relationship there is no love. There is no respect. Anastasia is hesitant, she runs away scared, and expresses many times how uncomfortable she is with certain things. There is a certain scene in the books that really demonstrates this to me. Christian loses it at a certain point and spanks Anastasia as a punishment past the point she was obviously ok with. He did not respect their relationship. He does not show genuine love towards this woman. He makes her sign his "standard submissive contract" just like every other woman he has had. This contract was created by him with his demands and he is very hesitant to change it for her comfort level. Again, no respect for her concerns and wishes. The relationship is unbalanced in the worst way. He forces her to drive the car he gives her, selling her previous vehicle and leaving her with no choice. He forces her to use a certain phone to communicate with him. If she didn't do these things she would be threatened with punishment. It would be different if she had actually agreed to this as part of their relationship but nowhere in that book does she agree to these conditions. He also has his choice of doctor see Anastasia to administer the birth control shot on a regular basis. This was decided for her, and not with her as a mutual conversation. Anastasia is told she will be subjected to this doctor and birth control and that is the end of it. It is true Christian Grey has emotional and mental trauma from his childhood which is alluded to as the reason for his coldness in the books. Still it is not a reasonable excuse for this relationship, which is abusive. Plain and simple.

The popularity of these books and now the following the movie has gained is worrisome. Our society has come to idolize and adore a man who blatantly disrespects women, and he is getting away with it. We claim love and romance but really what we are watching is abuse and domination without permission. We have become so incredibly desensitized to sex that it takes this level of perversion to feel something about it again.

What was once a treasured gift between a husband and a wife is now as recreational of an activity as shaking hands it seems. Sleeping with multiple partners is now seen as normal, and only sleeping with one person for the rest of your life is seen as weird. It's seen as abnormal, viewed with the sense that you are missing out on something. Others actually express pity for you. WHY?! I really don't get it.

The excitement and anticipation for this movie is a sad reflection of what our society has become. It is not a love story, it is a poorly constructed account of a badly arranged relationship. It reflects our love of money, power and sex at any price. That, to me, is much more tragic than this woman's terrible lack of a vocabulary and shallow characters.

You Put the Lime in the Coconut

11 weeks have already passed and it seems like it went by fast. I already have my second doctor appointment coming up quick. I remember the time between those first few appointments stretching on endlessly. Now it's sneaking up on me and I find myself asking, "Didn't I just go to the doctor?"

So far everything is going well. The morning sickness is easing up a little. Some days are better than others. The best part is I can feel very small little flutters sometimes. Usually they happen in the evening when I am lying down and quiet. I can't wait for the flutters to turn into tiny kicks and watch my belly jump and roll. I still have zero energy of course but that might be because of my new job and the two little goblins that inhabit our home who seem to need something every second of every day. I'm not really expecting to feel energized again until sometime around year 2033.

I just did that math...I will be 43 when this little babe is 18. I have a really hard time envisioning that point in the future. I still have a hard time believing we are both parents and someday we will be parents of teenagers and then adults. My mind just simply cannot even imagine that future, even though I know it will happen. 

With this most likely being our last little one it is very bittersweet for me. I am more happy and less sad than I thought I would be. Every little thing holds a little more emotion for me though. From putting together my last pregnancy scrapbook and listening to the tiny heart beat nestled in my belly. It is always accompanied by the thoughts of this possibly being the last time I get to experience this awesome miracle. Of course our family size may or may not expand after three kiddos but the idea that it could be the last has given me the tendency to really stop and take the time to cherish even the littlest moments. 

I am really excited for all our lives have to offer us in the coming years though. With my new job and school finally being over I feel like life is finally beginning for us. It really does feel like a new start and there are so dreams we can start planning to make realities. This year really does feel like it will be one of our best and I can't wait to meet this little squish, but I'll be savoring the time I spend growing him or her. 

Epilogue...

My signature now reads: Kayla Stutler, RN

I do a tiny happy dance in my head every single time. Nursing school started in 2012. Roxas was 5 months old and I had no idea what my life was about to turn into. Fast forward to that crazy final day in 2014. I now had an AAS in Nursing but the book wasn't done being written. There was still one more thing. The NCLEX. I couldn't really be done until then. I couldn't write RN after my name, yet. Three years of hard work, nervous breakdowns, and many hours of family time sacrificed. It all came down to one test.

The day before I treated myself like a pretty pretty princess. I stuffed my face with ridiculously priced food from my favorite celebrity chef's restaurants. I went on a mini shopping spree and indulged in room service for the first time ever. I was on top of the world the night before. My confidence was through the roof. Then I took the test.

That test is designed by terrible people who want you to feel miserable about everything. No, really. The test gets harder and harder the more questions you get right...except you never think you are answering the questions right anyways and become completely convinced you have just failed miserably. I totally get why they don't allow roof access in Vegas. My computer shut off at 75 questions, the minimum amount of questions you can possibly pass with. Then, because remember these people are cruel, they have you answer a little exit survey. I probably said I was Mexican or African American. I was in such a state of shock I wouldn't have known my own name. I walked out of there feeling absolutely positively sure I failed. I went to the aquarium at Mandalay Bay to soothe my nerves and then grabbed a super yummy burger at yet another one of Gordon Ramsay's restaurants. Then I couldn't come up with anything else I wanted to do, because drinking copious amounts of beer was off the list, and I went home.

The next morning I woke up to a text from my boss of all people..."Is this Kayla Stutler RN??? Congratulations!!!" Of course I immediately logged onto the state nursing board and saw I had an RN license. Turns out they don't give out licenses to people who fail. There was a lot of crying. Then there was a lot of texting and general social media posting.

So I am officially done. All done. Absolutely nothing left to do but work. I now feel like the book of my nursing education journey can finally come to a close with this last piece, the epilogue. Until I start my BSN...dun dun duuuuuuun.

Here We Go Again!

I am so excited to say we are now a family of 5!

No, our TV isn't broken. Yes, we know what causes it. Yes, it was extremely planned.

We are so excited to be expanding the family again. This picture is the exact way I feel. This baby has been prayed for, and seeing the second line on that test was an answer to my many prayers. It has been a rough road getting here and I could not be more thankful. The heartbreak and disappointment month after month after month had done things to my heart and my faith. I felt like less of a woman because my body had rebelled against me, putting up a fight to allow my family to expand again. The endless tests, the handfuls of supplements, the temperature taking, all of it was enough to drive me mad. I went through a time when I got mad at God, and acted like a little spoiled child admittedly. I couldn't understand why and I still don't but I finally came back around like a little kid after a tantrum. I prayed every single day for this little baby and the afternoon after my pinning ceremony they were answered. I could not possibly be happier.

This pregnancy is already standing out as extremely different, and somewhat difficult, compared to Roxas and Lucy. The first huge difference is we will not be finding out the gender! I never thought I would be able to handle the anticipation of not finding out. I am pleasantly surprised to find I am enjoying it. Since we already have all of the stuff for either boy or girl I feel like we are already prepared pretty well and I'm not too flustered about it. I like the idea of getting that huge surprise of the doctor announcing "It's a..." in that moment. We won't be sharing our name choices either so you will all be surprised like we will be!

The other difference that is proving extremely hard for me to handle is the sickness. I had to go and brag to the doc about how "I barely get sick with my pregnancies. I feel fantastic, totally normal!" I am paying dearly for those words. For the past two weeks I've been the sickest I've ever been and it doesn't look like it will be letting up. I have been surviving on whatever I can convince my stomach to hold on to which isn't much. I tried every trick in the book from accupressure bands to gingerale (which I hate) with no relief. I finally caved to my family requests that I call the doc. The nurse told me I needed to go to the ER and be checked out. So after work, yup I am just that stubborn, I headed downstairs and got checked into the ER. The doctor agreed that I needed some help. I was very dehydrated and the big concern was the baby having enough fluid around it. They gave me two liters of fluid and some anti-nausea medicine. They also performed my first ultrasound. The tech wasn't one of the helpful ones and barely showed me anything, and she didn't print a picture either, so I was kind of bummed. I did get to see the little blob with a flickering heart for a few seconds though. Everything looked fine with baby. They did find several ovarian cysts which didn't surprise me much.Those cysts are my nemesis, the cause of all my heartache and frustration. It's a genetic curse that I truly hope I do not pass on.

After all that fluid I was feeling a bit better. Not back to 100% but I'm at least not as bad. I listened to the doctor and took off of work the next day to try to rest and push as much fluid as I can. Of course it would be the day that it snows for the first time in nearly 30 years and I didn't get to go out and play in the snow as much as I wish I could have. Instead I stayed tucked away inside with my blanket, a cup of 7-up and a bowl of plain rice.

Even though I'm feeling like death, I am still so excited to be able to experience pregnancy again, and most likely for the last time. Even with life as crazy as it is with the two kids and my new career and all that, I am trying hard to savor whatever I can and enjoy this time.

This new year is going to bring so much change to our lives and I can't wait. I will be taking my NCLEX exam this month and then I will begin my career as a real Registered Nurse. I can't believe it's so close. For years I had dreamed of this day and it seemed so far away. 

I am also kind of terrified. There are moments when the kids are trying to kill each other and I have just had it where I wonder what on Earth I just got myself into. I wonder if I can survive. I wonder if we will be able to do it. I just keep reminding myself it's all going to be fine and things will work out one way or another. It's an insane ride and I just have to hold on tight.