Wednesday, February 27, 2013

18 Weeks- My Sweet Little Sweet Potato

      18 Weeks is already here. It's been an interesting ride so far, and definitely not what I expected compared to my last pregnancy. Just about everything is different. Little girl is growing fast, super duper fast. She is roughly the length of a sweet potato now, from sweet little head to cute little rump. She has sleep and wake patterns, she is usually up in the morning and in the evening time. A soft downy covering of lanugo is starting to form and will cover her whole body. Something super crazy to think about is her ovaries now contain formed eggs...that will someday (hopefully) be my grandchildren. Her nervous system is maturing rapidly now. Nerves are covered with myelin, and her sense of hearing is even more acute now.

     She is moving so much more now. I feel her at least once a day and I love every second of it. Her kicks are still small but are unmistakably kicks. I've been able to feel a couple of good kicks from the outside, and Kenny thinks he felt some of them. You need psychic ability to know where and when she will kick though, so it's hard to catch. Each day I enjoy and love her little movements. She particularly loves sweets. Chocolate really gets her moving, and I have no problems with this. This is by far by favorite part of pregnancy. Until you feel the baby move it hardly seems real to know there is a little person in your body. The first few months you might as well just have the flu, you'd feel about the same. Once you start getting the belly and feeling those kicks brings it all into focus. It all becomes extremely real. Speaking of the belly, it's growing at what seems to be light speed. All of a sudden I will look in the mirror and go "holy cow...I look pregnant" Even though I still feel terrible on a pretty regular basis I am still so happy to be building another little one for us to love and enjoy.

     I've been battling what seems like cold after cold after cold. My sinuses are constantly stuffed up and my chest aches from all of my coughing. The crummy part being I cannot take any of the good medicines to help relieve some of the symptoms. I've still been enduring some pretty annoying and painful contractions, and I get to see the OB doctor on Friday so hopefully she will be able to answer my questions. I thought I was going to be totally pro at this pregnancy thing but it's turning out to be just the opposite. They aren't kidding when they say each pregnancy is different. It's a whole new ride, a wonderfully, awesome ride.

     Next week Roxas turns ONE YEAR OLD! I cannot believe a year has already flown by. I have no idea where that year went. Sometimes the reality really hits me. Our son is about to turn one, we are prepping to welcome our daughter into the world and I'm halfway through the second semester of nursing school. It's taking a mountain of faith to take on this coming year. I'm super excited but very scared too. The future is full of even more new experiences for us to have as a family of four.

Until next week.....

Wednesday, February 20, 2013

17 Weeks- One foot in front of the other

     We've made it to 17 weeks. Sometimes it seems like we have so much longer to go but really it's not a ton of time. We are almost halfway done, and half the time I forget that I'm pregnant. It's easy to do when you're chasing after an almost 1 year old and trying to make it in the torture program known as nursing school. I am amazed at how fast things are going and how quickly the weeks are ticking by.
     Lucy is now about 9 inches long and weighs about 8 ounces. She is growing fast! Vernix is starting to form which will protect her skin from the amniotic fluid. She is putting on the baby fat now, and will continue to gain fat for the next 5 months. She is working on sucking and swallowing reflexes now. A lot of what is going on now is growing. Much of her systems are all developed and in order but they are just maturing.
     Speaking of growing. This belly is growing by the second. Even though I've been here before I was still pretty shocked at how the bump just appears overnight! I can feel the fundus (top of the uterus) right about my belly button now. Although she prefers to hang out pretty low still. I feel her little pops and kicks every now and then. She hasn't been moving much for the past few days, I'm not concerned really but I did rather enjoy the feeling and can't wait for it to increase.
     I'm still having contractions all the time but I'm starting to just get used to it and ignore it as best as I can. I don't even bother counting them anymore. I've had a day or two of spotting but it never lasts long. I think it's just a weird quirk for me this time. I'm kind of the type of girl who goes with the whole "I'm just pregnant, not dying" mantra, it's not a disability. I don't like to whine and make a big deal of it, forcing others to cater to me. It just isn't my personality. I'm addressing this whole thing with much of the same attitude. Until the doctor tells me otherwise I'm just going to keep on keepin' on. I have trust that my body knows what it's doing and will compensate accordingly.
     Every now and then I have moments when it hits me that we are going to have two kids. I'm going to be the mother of two. It's a very hard thing to wrap my head around sometimes. I still have a lot of fears about the future and what it holds. A lot of it is just the unknown. I'm not as worried in respects of having and caring for another baby in the basic sense. I know the ropes of labor, delivery; feeding, changing, swaddling, and loving a newborn. What I'm afraid of is the logistics (Am I ever going to leave the house!?) How I'm going to divide my attention when one is crying and the other wants me too, how will I handle going back to school when Lucy is only a month old!? It's the balancing act and the only way I'm ever going to find out how to juggle everything is to just jump in and try. I don't know what the future holds for us but I have a lot of faith it will work out. Faith is about all I have at this point.

Just for kicks and giggles, the top picture is 17 weeks with Roxas and today's 17 week picture is on the bottom.     Until next week

Friday, February 15, 2013


     Well after seeing the nurse practitioner yesterday I have no more answers than I did before. I felt really rushed in the office and kind of got shuffled about. I still have the contractions, we're up to 8 today, and they still hurt but thankfully that's it. No more bleeding for now.

     I found out the ultrasound they did at the hospital showed my cervix is not shortening right now, so that is a good thing. Other than that, I don't really know much else. I got mixed messages from the staff at the office, one person told me the doctor would do a scan...only to then be told "doctor isn't going to scan you, go home." No instructions to rest, activity restrictions, things to watch for, etc. It was a very frustrating and confusing experience. I am assuming the doctor isn't worried too much since she didn't scan me but I still have questions "why is it happening then? Is it bad? What effect will this have on the pregnancy now and later?" I also have this feeling I can't shake that something is 'off' but I can't put my finger on it. It's a feeling that something is going to go wrong. Maybe it is just the hormones, who knows.

     I'm kind of just trying to ignore the pains and go on with life as usual for now. I see the actual OB doctor in two weeks so I will have a long list of things to ask. It just doesn't feel right, but if all the tests say things are OK then I guess I don't need to worry. Lucy is still moving quite a bit and I can listen to her heartbeat with our doppler at home which is nice but I know a heartbeat doesn't always mean things are perfect.

     This pregnancy has been the most trying and difficult time in my life. That whole "honeymoon" thing is so not happening for me. I don't like to eat because when I actually do remember to feed myself and can find something that sounds decent to eat, I feel sick after. As a result I've lost even more weight this trimester. I'm constantly exhausted, no matter how much sleep I manage it never seems to be enough. My hips and back are already achingly uncomfortable. Then there are the emotions ruling my life. I can't seem to get control over them, and they can swing wildly without warning. I'm already miserable and it's not even the halfway mark. I just want to get to the end and have our little girl safe and sound on the outside. I thought I would enjoy this pregnancy more but it is turning out to be extremely un-enjoyable and extremely stressful.

Thursday, February 14, 2013

16 Weeks- Threatened

     We are now in week 16, crazy to think that in only four more weeks we will be half way done.
Lucy is growing fast, she is about 4 1/2 inches long (head to rump) and 3 1/2 ounces roughly the size of an avocado. She is getting ready for a massive growth spurt in the next few weeks, she will double her weight. One of the biggest changes is her hearing! She can now hear my voice as well as the sounds coming from the outside. Her legs are developing more and her backbone is getting stronger too. This means her head is becoming more and more erect. Eyebrows, eyelashes and hair are all starting to form. Her little heart is pumping a whopping 25 quarts of blood a day and features are beginning to settle into their final places.This past day or two I've been able to feel her much, much, more. She rolls and punches and kicks all the time now. Soda really gets her going but I try not to use that trick too often. I can't wait to be able to feel and see those big, fun kicks. I used to love watching my belly roll and pop all over.

     So, you might have noticed the blog is a day late. Very unusual for me I know. On Monday I began having some braxton hicks like contractions. They didn't hurt but they were uncomfortable. After consulting with Dr. Google and my small library of pregnancy books I determined these were normal and tried not to worry about them. Then they got more frequent, and started to hurt. Again, Dr. Google and the books said it was fine. After the third day they were hurting more, happening much more often. I called the doctor who gave me an appointment for the next day [today] and said if they get worse or I start bleeding to go to the ER. Naturally, because it's just the way my day was yesterday, I had some light spotting. After hours in the ER, tons of blood tests, and an ultrasound the doctor diagnosed me as a threatened miscarriage but she said everything looked OK with Lucy and the bleeding had stopped. I'm still having the contractions but it looks like everything is fine for now. The medically rational part of me knows all of this is just normal happenings with a second baby and I need to just chill out about it, but the freaked out mom in my head won't let her get a word in. I know the doctor is probably going to tell me I'm just making a mountain out of a mole hill so I'm trying not to let myself worry about it and just enjoy this time as much as I can.

That's pretty much all there is for this week. Until next time...

Monday, February 11, 2013

Why I Hate Pinterest, and Social Media Moms

 *I want to make this perfectly clear: This is my opinion. It is how I feel. If you haven't noticed I treat this blog like an online diary and share my thoughts and feelings with you not expecting anybody to agree or disagree with any of it*

I may just be one of a very few women who do not obsess over the internet phenomenon that is Pinterest. In fact I avoid the thing like the plague. Oh yeah, I looked at it. Then I started feeling unbelievably guilty.

It's not really Pinterest, or social media that I hate, it's the idea of perfection. It's the judgement. It's the sense of failure. The internet has made a mom's job more difficult than it has ever been. We are constantly connected to all of these fantastic ideas and excellent (or not so excellent) advice from moms all over the world. You would think it's a great thing. Not for me.

There is a general "feel" to the internet mom community now. The current trend is to be green, healthy, super involved in your kids lives, and make crafty little things. Some call it the "granola movement" or "crunchy parenting". Honestly I reserve those terms for the most extreme but the feel is the same. If you log onto any mommy or parenting site you're bound to be overwhelmed with natural this, organic that.

I get how society works, a predominate mood will prevail for awhile and slowly but surely it will change to something else. Just like once upon a time long, long ago Dr. Ferber was the baby's now Dr. Sears. Now, the problem I have with the internet mom community and sites like Pinterest is they set an impossible standard and judge you when you fall short.

Moms are told that formula contains horrible poisons, and under no circumstances should she give it to her baby. Giving a baby formula is akin to filling the bottle with Dran-O instead. They are told they should have tried harder to breastfeed, that they didn't do something right to succeed. Along the same lines they are told jarred baby food is just like giving your baby McDonalds and you might as well just turn yourself over to child services right now if you aren't making every bite of food that baby eats from organic kale and sweet potatoes. Heaven help you if you let your child cry it out after rocking, feeding, loving, snuggling, singing ect. fail.

We are shown pretty pictures of perfect birthday parties that probably cost hundreds, if not more, and hours upon hours of your time. Then we feel pressured to live up to the "pinterest mom" who has a candy bar, cake pops, and a professional decorator at their kids first birthday party.

The point I'm making here is: Moms, don't let the internet change who you are. I'm guilty of it, big time. I've beat myself up over some of the stupidest things. I've agonized over how Roxas won't have a birthday party worthy of the almighty Pinterest. Tortured myself every time I think about how few meals I've actually cooked for him and how many came out of jars. Felt shame feeding him a bottle of formula. Then it was actually Kenny who said something that really opened my eyes.

Sure, I may not be Pinterest worthy but you know what? I'm busy. I spend more time in school than out these days, plus take care of Roxas, keep the house clean, and oh another human in my womb. Instead of spending hours slaving away over a handmade birthday banner I'm spending it playing blocks with Roxas. Sure I'd love to feed Roxas all organic, home cooked meals but you know what? We can't afford it for one and I just don't have the time. I would have loved to nurse Roxas until one year but it just wasn't in the plan for my body and I need to deal with that.

I need to accept that I am a good mom. I love my son, and my unborn daughter. They don't care that I didn't make the cookies from scratch. They don't care that I hand knit that blanket. They just care about my love, time, and attention. That is what matters. That is what is important. Not making something perfect enough for the internet, because the harsh truth is...nothing will ever be good enough for them. If your children are growing, thriving and are a doing your job and that IS good enough.

Wednesday, February 6, 2013

15 Weeks- And It's A...

     Well if you've been around me, or on my Facebook page you know we are having a little girl. Yes, I'm sure it's a girl. I know a lot of people are telling me it's "perfect" and now we will have "one of each" which is cool I guess but most everybody knows I was hoping for a boy.
      At any rate I'm thrilled to be having a little girl and of course I love her just as much as Roxas. It will be a whole new experience having a little girl instead of a boy again. I was scared of having two children to start with but now I'm even more terrified about having a girl. I don't even want to think about all of the emotional issues, girly problems, boyfriends, make up, clothes uhg....I'm giving myself an anxiety attack just thinking about it. At least I know dolls, barbies, ponies and pink, poofy things whereas I'm kind of lost when it comes to tonka trucks, hotwheels, dirt and superheros. I have a whole new set of worries now. I feel like I know what I'm doing with a boy but I have no idea what I'm going to do with a girl.  Anyways, enough of my worries over gender.
     It was amazing getting to see our little girl on the ultrasound, looking like a baby instead of a little smudge on the screen. She was kind of sleepy but we did see her swallowing and she waved at us at one point. We got to see her in the new HD format and that was just crazy. It really helped me feel like I really am pregnant with another baby, we really are doing this again and I couldn't be more excited. Here are the pictures from the ultrasound:

cwgirlup's 14 Weeks 3 Days album on Photobucket

     This week she is 15 weeks old and becoming more active, rolling around and doing flips. Her heart is pumping about 100 pints of blood a day! She is about 4in long and weighs around 2.5 ounces. She practices swallowing, which we got to see on the ultrasound. Her legs are growing longer than her arms and all of the joints are moveable. She can sense light too. I've been feeling her a little better this past day or two but it's still a pretty rare event. I love that feeling, it's still the best in the world. It is absolutely impossible to describe if you haven't known it yourself, but it's wonderful.
     I've been feeling relatively OK. Second trimester has not been the honeymoon I had been hoping for. I'm still abnormally exhausted, feel sick in the mornings and I'm unreasonably emotional. I think there is a big difference with this pregnancy compared to Roxas. The emotions are the biggest thing. Every single emotion I have is magnified by 100000000. It doesn't take a lot to make me cry, it's really frustrating and very inconvenient to always be on the verge of tears. Simple things such as a newspaper article, or a commercial on TV will turn on the water works. This pregnancy is definitely proving to be a completely different experience than the last, as will be raising our baby girl.

Well with all that said.....I promised we would reveal the name in this post. I bet you thought I had forgotten. Our little girl is named: Lucy Mae Stutler. Since Roxas has the middle name of my grandfather we decided to pick a middle name from Kenny's side of the family this time and Mae comes from Kenny's grandmother. As for where we got Lucy from, well it was just by chance I saw it on a name list and kind of instantly fell in love with it. So, there you have it. Nothing weird or crazy, and I'm hoping that doesn't come back to bite me later.

Until next time

Tuesday, February 5, 2013

11 Months, almost there

First of all I am sorry the blog post is SO late. I've been up since 4:30am to go to clinicals for 12 hours and I only got home at around 7pm. Honestly I'm pretty proud of myself that I managed to get his 11 month picture done, but I wasn't about to let a little thing like time get in the way of a nearly year long tradition.

     Speaking of year long traditions....HOLY COW. Roxas turns ONE YEAR OLD next month! I absolutely cannot believe he is already 11 months old. It seems like just yesterday we brought him home. It has been amazing watching him grow and learn so many new things. I am regularly astounded by how smart he can be. He knows my "looks" already, especially "If you even think about knocking over [insert object here] you are going to be in trouble" look. This past month he has really learned a lot. He knows several words and they get easier and easier to understand every day. He says "doggie" almost perfectly at times or "Kee-Kee" for kitty when he sees Nala. He even says "gee gee" for grandma. Sometimes I'm really amazed at how he has learned to move, communicate and be his own little person in just a year. A year isn't a lot of time to learn so much and grow so much. He isn't quite walking yet but he stands up on his own without any support quite frequently and he's getting really good at balancing. I *think* he might have another tooth coming in but I've pretty much given up on guessing that. He still just has two little teeth on the bottom.

     I've been planning out his first birthday party and I'm getting excited to celebrate with all our family and friends. We are, of course, doing a Mickey Mouse theme :-) what else did you expect? I was all super duper excited to plan out this super amazing, crazy creative, party and I've had to come to grips with the fact that it's not going to happen. I insist on making the cake but other than that there will be your typical, run of the mill party goings on. The crazy, over do everything, crafty mom in me is going nuts but I just don't have the time. I wish I did. I'm sure he will have just as much fun though, regardless of how not over the top the party will be.

     This past month has been exciting and full of fun new things. I can't wait for the next month to come and celebrate the birth of one of the most precious things in my life.