Wednesday, February 29, 2012

40 Weeks- Due Date

Oh the notorious due date...I think it is a load of horse malarky now but for roughly 9 long months I've clung to this day. I've looked at the date circled on the calendar and said to myself "I'll have this baby in my arms by then." Yeah...Not happening. Roxas is still very content to hang around in my tummy for now. I haven't had anymore signs of labor coming in the near future, just the usual irritating false contractions. I'm not getting my hopes up for the near future, I've learned that only leads to feeling completely failed and yanked around. My only comfort is knowing that the maximum time left is 2 weeks and that is the only goal I will keep my eye on for now. So there isn't much to report as new this week, just a lot of waiting and watching.

Monday, February 27, 2012

Rough Day- Learning Patience

It's been a rough day for me today...and aside from stuffing my face with chocolate and watching "A Baby Story" I haven't done much to be productive.

I know I'm not patient, not in the least. Needless to say you have to have some serious patience not only as a parent (as many have pointed out) but as a pregnant woman too. Being in a heightened state of anxiousness is downright tiring, and I honestly have no idea how to turn it off. It's incredibly difficult to focus on anything besides the baby. I can't enjoy anything for very long before my brain takes over with thoughts about what that little pain was, whether that contraction is going to turn into something, what I can possibly do to get labor going. I have to admit I never thought I would be rounding the corner to 40 weeks. I never thought I would be considering an induction as a viable option. I never thought I would want to not be pregnant. I never thought I would feel so guilty for wanting to be done.

Yes, I am physically uncomfortable but that I can live with- physical discomfort is nothing compared to emotional discomfort. Emotionally I feel upside down, inside out and just plain tired. I have no motivation to do anything today, I spent 75% of my day in bed either napping or half-heartedly watching TV. If I could just put myself into a coma until it was time to have the baby I would. I've been repeatedly teased by my own stupid body. I have 2 or 3 contractions an hour but they never get stronger, never longer and never closer together. Heck, I'm having a nice good one now but I know it's not going to lead anywhere. It's emotional agony being hyped up only to be let down and I'm reaching my breaking point. I feel worn down and beaten down. The days seem to stretch on for an endless amount of time. I know that it won't last forever but I can't fathom another two weeks of this. I can't even imagine how a friend of ours is doing being a week overdue. I'd have lost my mind by then and she is a stronger willed woman than I am!

It's funny how your mind will change when you are at the end of your rope. I swore I would never, ever, let a doctor try and induce me until we were a week overdue but honestly if the doc suggests it at our next appointment...I'm thinking about doing it. I'm concerned about his movements being less and less as time is going on, probably since he is out of room, but that isn't my only rationalization. I will completely admit to being just impatient and done. Think what you want of me but I will admit defeat when it has beaten me down to nothing. If you showed up at my door with a bag of pitocin right now...I'd probably take it. It feels like I've run out of emotions, I've been run dry and I'm done. So until either labor strikes with unmistakeable force or the doctor admits me for induction I'm stuck here in limbo waiting on frayed and frazzled nerves.

I've often felt that God has tried to teach me this lesson repeatedly and I get the feeling it is a lot like trying to teach a squirrel quantum physics. Sometimes it takes being broken down until you can't stand or even kneel anymore to appreciate the lesson. That's where I'm at. On my face, giving up control and handing myself over to Him. I'm not going to try and induce labor anymore, but rather just pray and trust God that I won't end up such a crippled emotional mess that I need a padded room and extra snug jacket. See you all Wednesday.

Wednesday, February 22, 2012

39 Weeks- Still Pregnant...

Well I was sincerely hoping not to make it to this week and have our little boy here by now, but he has other plans I guess. Not much to report this week, just a lot of waiting around. We are officially 7 days away from the official due date and so far it looks like Roxas is staying pretty darn comfy in there with no plans to grace us with his presence in the immediate future.

Sometimes I feel as if I just know labor is coming really soon. I can feel his head is really low down and it often causes me quite a bit of pain when his head presses down but that HAS to be a good thing right? It just has to mean progress is being made right? Nope. Doesn't mean a darn thing. If there is one thing I have learned in all this it is when it comes to labor everything means absolutely nothing until the baby is crowning. You can be 3cm dilated and 85% effaced but not have the baby for weeks...or you could be perfectly normal and have the baby in the next 24 hours. I ran across another blogger's analogy and thought it was perfect. Waiting for labor to begin is kind of like going through the 5 stages of grief:

-Denial: "Nope, this baby is coming very soon, I just know it!"
-Anger: "Dear baby, I love you and all but...get out of there! Why on Earth am I still pregnant!? How dare that woman parade her new baby in front of me- Jerk!"
-Bargaining: "Please, Please, Please come out...I'll buy you anything you want if you do- your own Xbox, candy, heck I will let you have soda every day. I will do anything, just please come out of there already!"
-Depression: "I will be pregnant forever. There is no end in sight, nothing works and all those people who say it will be over soon are full of it."
-Acceptance: "I give up. He's coming when he wants to and there is nothing I can do about it."

I am officially on maternity leave, mostly because I seem to be fighting a really nasty bug that is hiding up in my sinuses at the moment and attempting to move into my chest as well. I have a cough that won't quit and a very stuffy nose so I am pretty useless at the moment. Being off work has left me with one major hobby...waiting for labor. It would really help if I knew what I was waiting for too. I have no idea what the heck it is I'm supposed to be waiting for. I know something like only 1 in 3 women have their water break first but I've talked to about 6 different women who all started off with the water am I waiting to become the hoover dam? or am I waiting to feel contractions? and if it's contractions how will I know when they are real because I've been having them all the time. It's like somebody telling you a backsund is coming to get you...but you have no idea what a backsund is, what it looks like or when it will show up. Kudos if you get the reference as to what a backsund is (it involves a recently released Disney movie).

Like I said, waiting for labor is my main hobby now. I have been trying just about everything in the world to coax Roxas into making his grand entrance soon. So far nothing works. Nothing. I even made the famous "Scalini's Eggplant Parmesan" that is rumored to have put well over 300 ladies into labor. The only thing I have gotten from it was tired feet after 3 hours of cooking and the knowledge that I still hate eggplant no matter how many times I shovel it into my face. I go on walks every day which usually give me some mild contractions but they die down quickly. Today my mom treated me to a nice pedicure complete with foot and leg massage where the nice lady rubbed extra hard on the acupressure spots that are supposed to help start labor. I also got my hair done, so now would be a wonderful time to go into labor, what with my hair looking all styled and toes freshly painted! (hint hint Roxas!) I have kind of reached the point of acceptance where I have come to terms with the fact that he may not be here for another 3 weeks...and that thought doesn't sit well with my impatient self. I keep bouncing back and forth between thinking "it could happen any could happen in the next 5 minutes" and "it's never going to happen, they are going to end up inducing me and these next three weeks are going to be miserable!" It's a bit of an emotional roller coaster to say the least. Nobody ever tells you the last 2-3 weeks of pregnancy are always the hardest. Everybody tells me to relax and rest up since I won't get this kind of time when he is here and believe me- I understand that on a logical level- but the other part of me just wants this suspense and waiting to be over!

So, next Wednesday is the official due date...and until then...good grief I hope it's sooner...

Wednesday, February 15, 2012

38 Weeks- Nope, not yet!

Wow, 38 weeks and only two more until the due date. Everybody and their uncle is starting to ask the same question: "You have that baby yet!?" I must admit it is starting to get a little bit annoying but I think it's more because I'm thinking the same thing! We are both ready to meet our son and can't wait for the big day to finally arrive. It's all a waiting game now.

Roxas is somewhere around 7lbs and 19-22in long. I'm not sure how but he still manages to make really interesting movements. I really wish I could see what was going on in there sometimes. He is fully developed and just awaiting launch day. We tell him everyday, and very often, that he can come on out anytime. So far he isn't listening to us, I have a feeling it's not going to be the first time.

I've had some positive signs that labor is around the corner, but whether that means labor will start tonight or next week- who knows. The past two nights I've gotten a little excited over some rather painful contractions that woke me up in the middle of the night but they always fizzled out and I went back to sleep annoyed. It's a strange feeling hoping for pain, I figure anything painful has got to be good at this point. Unfortunately the doctor agrees. Yay for pain! At any rate the contractions are getting more frequent, longer and stronger so that can only mean good things. I'm curious to see if there has been any change since last visit when we see our doctor this Friday. I'm still thinking the 20th will be the day, but I know Roxas will get his chubby butt out here when he darn well pleases. Stubborn, like both his mother and father.

Most of my time is consumed with thoughts of labor and making sure everything is ready for him. I am still working too, as much as I feel like I want to be done with it I need the distraction. If I were at home all the time I would be climbing the walls trying to occupy myself. It feels like I have the reverse of ADD, all I can think about is baby. Absolutely nothing else can seem to stay in my mind very long. Trying to entertain yourself when you have one thing on your mind just never goes well. I have been trying a few things to help Roxas along in his exit. Long walks, going up the stairs at the London Bridge, bouncing on my ball, rocking in my chair...etc. They have helped move him down a bit but other than that I never get more than a contraction or two from them.

Well there really isn't too much else going on, kind of in a holding pattern now. Until next week (I hope I can be sharing baby pictures instead of belly pictures!)

I think Roxas likes puppy dogs already because while Bacardi was laying there he was moving around trying to kick at her. She loves her human brother too!

You can't see them too well but I have a ton of little stretchie marks all over the underside of my belly. I'm learning to love them as my own unique mommy tattoos :-P

Wednesday, February 8, 2012

37 Weeks- So much happening

Wow, so much has been going on in just the past week. We had a second baby shower, celebrated 3 amazing years of marriage and finally reached the full term milestone!

Well starting off with the baby news. We have finally reached 37 weeks which is considered "full term"...fully-cooked...ready to go...YES! We finally made it to the last big milestone (aside from birth) in pregnancy. I'm so excited to finally go into labor and have this little munchkin out here in our arms as opposed to rolling around in my guts. I love it but I also can't wait to snuggle with my two favorite guys on Earth! It seems weird to actually be excited for labor, since I am hoping for a totally natural experience (my stubbornness is coming in handy for once). I know it is going to flat out suck and probably not be the most enjoyable thing ever but all I can see is the light at the end of the tunnel- I don't see the tunnel itself. It reminds me of this scene in The Emporer's New Groove (yup a Disney movie).

I feel like some kind of crazy althete getting all pumped up before a big game. Let's. Do. This! WOOT! Although the idea that I will go into labor still seems like some crazy far off dream and it hasn't really hit that it is going to happen yet.
I know he won't be arriving until he is good and ready but I must admit I have done a few things hoping to help him along at some point. Last night I had the eggplant parmigiana for dinner (rumored to help start labor) and right now I may or may not be bouncing on my exercise ball. Truthfully the ball actually makes my back feel a ton better, so there is a secondary motive for it. I know my efforts are probably completely worthless but hey, it occupies my time. As far as he is concerned much of what he is doing right now comes down to practice. Practice breathing, sucking and rolling from side to side. He is gaining weight at the rate of about half a pound a week (say wha...) getting all cute and plump for us to cuddle and kiss.
I am really not all THAT uncomfortable but I must say the swollen legs and feet are about the most annoying thing in the world. No matter what I do for the day (on or off my feet) they manage to swell up like a balloon (I was going to make a CSI-esque reference here but I figured some of you may be eating). It makes my legs go numb and feels like I'm wearing way too tight jeans. Blek...still worth it though.

In other news...
My boss threw me a second baby shower at my work with all my wonderful customers! I had such a great time seeing all the people who I have come to know so well just through helping them with dog or cat food. The best part was just getting to enjoy the love everybody was pouring out on me. I really feel very blessed by all the help, advice and gifts everybody has given us. Here are a few pictures from the shower, there are of course a ton more on the Flickr site though.

In addition to all the fun baby stuff going on Kenny and I celebrated our 3 year wedding anniversary yesterday. It was a lot different than in past years but it was still very special and fun. We went out to dinner at Shugrue's since we both hadn't ever been there before and felt like being a bit fancy. We had a great time just spending some good quality moments together. I can't believe how fast three years flew by and can't wait to spend even more together with this man whom I love so very much. I am so excited to keep going on our own little life adventures. I know he reads the blog so, Happy Anniversary and I love you Kenny!

We have another doctor appointment on Friday, I'm really excited to see what she has to say and now we get to see her every week until the big day. So, until next week (or maybe sooner?)...

Wednesday, February 1, 2012

36 Weeks- It's Officially Our Month!

Wow...36 weeks and we are a mere 28 days (more or less) from having our little boy arrive! I can't believe how fast everything is going by. Suddenly I would like everything to just slow down and let me enjoy every last second of this. I think about stuff like that a lot now. I think about how much life is about to change. Before it was kind of a far off thought that " oh yeah, we're going to have a baby but that's months and months away" now it's kind of like "holy fish-paste...we're going to have a baby!" I have moments where it dawns on me how much the little things are going to change. For instance Kenny and I were watching Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 2 last night and I had the thought of what it would be like trying to do this with Roxas here. It doesn't sadden me but it makes me think just how much a baby can change things, and I never realized that until now. I'm really excited to venture into parenthood and all the wonderfully amazing things it offers but I have finally realized that it means change, both big and small. I say...Bring it on.

Well this month is officially our due date month! I just can't believe that it's already February! Since I am now 36 weeks I've also been put on Havasu lockdown- in other words I am not allowed to leave the city. This only makes me want to go on crazy trips far, far away even more though. Kenny and I will celebrate our 3 year wedding anniversary next week and we typically go on a Disneyland vacation each year but obviously that isn't going to happen. It's a little weird that I am packing a hospital and diaper bag as opposed to our Disneyland bags. We will hopefully be able to make it back to our favorite place on Earth later this year and show Roxas what an awesome place it is. I'm sure he won't have a clue what else is going on but I bet he will still like the lights, colors and sounds.

Anyways, this month has brought on a ton of fun things. He is still settling downward which is causing me some pain and discomfort but at least I know that means he is heading in the right direction so to speak, hehe. I waddle pretty bad now too since it feels like my pelvis is about to be pulled apart. The doctor said I was a teensy bit dilated last time, so hopefully all these pains mean that I will be a teensy bit more dilated next time! I'm super anxious to finally have him in our arms, and out of my ribs. Most of his systems are fully operational now and he is putting on weight at about an ounce a day! An OUNCE...A DAY! Just one more week of cooking and he will be considered full term and technically could come any day after then. Well, that's all I've got for you today...until next week!