Monday, October 17, 2011
I know it's not time for a weekly update but I was reading another pregnancy blog, which I tend to do a lot of, and they mentioned something that I just had to write about. This blog is a great way for my extended family to see what is going on and it helps keep my facebook friends from seeing too much of my pregnancy obsessive postings. However, this blog is also my diary of sorts. When I feel something that is emotionally complex it helps immensely to write about it and I'd like to share not only the physical changes I experience in this pregnancy but the mental ones too. You may notice a few more posts of this nature, meaning more than the "___weeks!" kind as I really want to let you into my head. So here is your VIP access into my head... "Please keep your hands, arms and legs in the vehicle. Surf's up riders! Get ready screamers, head back, face forward and hang on " (points to you if you make sense of the last part)
It's probably the hormones- but my moods can be a little up and down, at one point I was laughing a crying at the same time so you may now feel bad for poor Kenny who gets to deal with hormonal me. Anyways, I was reading this blog post from somebody and they were talking about the firsts and lasts of life and it really got me thinking about stuff, and of course got me all emotional.
It seems life is just a whole bunch of first times and last times. When we were engaged it was always our "last night as single" or "last time sleeping under our parents roof" then we got married and it was firsts again. Our first trip to Disneyland together, our first night in our first home, the first time I caught the oven on fire, our first....everything was firsts.
Now when I started this blog I said our lives were about to be turned upside down and inside out...that is becoming even more apparent with every kick I feel and every day that gets checked off the calendar. 135 days left in case your were wondering. Before getting pregnant we talked a lot about what kind of impact a baby would have on us in every area of our lives. From finances to our marriage...a baby was going to change it. We talked about it for a very long time, we spoke with trusted unbiased friends and asked them for guidance but ultimately the choice was up to us [kind of] and God blessed us with our son who is now nestled safely inside my womb. It's hard to know just how a choice you make now will affect your future, after all if we could easily predict such things a lot more people would be successful after deciding to just go to law school instead of trying to sell their pants folding machine. Don't know where the idea for a pants folding machine came from...maybe it's because I just did laundry... who knows. Anyways, we are more than halfway there now and things just get more and more real as time goes on. That blog post got me thinking about a lot of things
Kenny and Kayla as a couple will no longer exist...it will be Kenny, Kayla and Roxas. It will not be just the two of us anymore and honestly the idea kind of makes me sad. This year will hold a lot of "lasts" for us. Our last Christmas, our last New Years, our last anniversary, our last trips to Disneyland. Our duo is becoming a trio and it's a whole new world to us. Sometimes I get a little down thinking about this, I'm not afraid to admit that. I will miss the times we have now. The times when we go out on dates or just a quiet night of TV at home. Those experiences are numbered now. I am not saying they will go away forever but they will be different, they will never ever be exactly the same. I feel in some ways as if I am saying goodbye to one life and embracing a new one but really I am just adding another ingredient to my cupcake of a life. I used to be a young woman and a wife. Now I will be a young woman, a wife and a mother.
With the lasts also come the firsts though. The first time I look into the eyes of our son. When I see my husbands face as he looks at our son for the first time. The first time tiny hands reach out for me instead of a friend. The first time I see a toothless smile. The first time Roxas gets to see Mickey Mouse. The first time I hear "mommy" or "daddy". I could go on but I'm getting a little teary eyed and tears aren't so great for laptops. The point being there are a million new firsts out there for us.It used to be firsts as a couple and now it's firsts as parents.
Sure I will miss the way things are right now and I cherish them every moment I get. I also look forward and know that even better things lie ahead for us. Sure we will eventually get around to more "lasts" just like my parents had to go through. His last time under our roof as he prepares to get married, his last day of school as we watch him proudly walk across a stage for his diploma, or maybe just his last baby tooth. There will always be lasts and firsts. We should cherish both and hold every moment we can close to our heart, because we can never go back...we can just go forward.
So there you have it: what has been going through my head for the past hour or two. Pregnancy is more than just watching the belly grow, for me it's seeing my mind and though process grow as well. I'm starting to shift to a more motherly mindset and I'm seeing the world a little differently now. I'm sad to see the last of our "lasts" but excited to see our firsts too.
I will see you all in a few days for the 21 week update!