Monday, April 9, 2012

I love my new mommy job

In Roxas news:
He had his big theatrical debut last week! He played the part of baby Jesus in our church Easter play. He did pretty well for his performances except for the last night. I guess 2 out of 3 is all I can really ask of a one month old!

He also had his first Easter this year. We didn't take him to see the Easter bunny because, well he won't remember or care and I didn't want to tote a baby into town and then attempt to get a picture with some guy in a bunny suit. It just wasn't at the top of my priority list. We also aren't going to do the whole "Easter bunny" thing with him either. We will still have fun with some of the mainstream Easter traditions like egg hunts and baskets with candy and toys but we will explain that the Easter bunny is just for fun and isn't the reason we celebrate with all this fun stuff. We want to make sure Roxas understands and knows we celebrate Easter because long ago Jesus rose from the grave and has made us a promise, not because some bunny-chicken hybrid likes to go around laying colorful eggs and handing out candy. Part of me will miss not being able to play the Easter bunny and do some of the things my parents did for me, like putting bunny footprints on the floor or leaving out half nibbled carrots, but we will still have lots of fun in every other way. We won't have to worry about that for a little while though, I don't think he was even vaguely aware that yesterday was special in some way.

He is growing like crazy now. He is now wearing size 1 diapers instead of newborn size and it just reminds me how quickly he is growing and there is nothing I can do to stop it so I had better just get used to it. He is really strong too. He holds his head up a lot of the time with very little support and his legs are really powerful. If you put your arm behind his feet while he lays on his tummy he will use it to push himself across the floor. Granted, he pushes himself across on his face but he can move! He is making all kinds of new noises too, and occasionally mimics me when I make the same kind of noises back at him. His nights are still hit and miss. We have been on a good streak lately and hopefully that keeps up! Fingers crossed. He does sometimes pull the fussy time stunt of crying non stop for an hour or more. We can get him to calm down for only minutes at a time. Those are the most frustrating times for me. I try everything I can to make him happy (food, diaper, pacifier, rocking, bouncing, swing, outside, dark, name it I try it) and it is all for not. The funny part is when he just switches off. All of a sudden he will calm down and be happy again. Weird baby.

We had another big first this weekend besides Easter. It was really more of a first for me than anything. Kenny and I went out on a date (no that's not the first I'm talking about) and left Roxas with his Grandma and Grandpa Stutler. I really loved going to see a movie with just Kenny and I. It was a nice break for sure, but I did miss my little man. Truthfully I wasn't terribly anxious. I know my in-laws wouldn't let him play with knives or climb on the roof or anything so I felt fine knowing he was safe. It was just more the feeling of not having him near me. I've been near him every second of his life and it was a little weird leaving him. Driving out to the theater I caught myself thinking about the empty backseat a few times. It went quite well though and I didn't have any breakdowns so I call that a win.

In mommy news:
I love my new job as a mommy. I spend my days (and nights) tending to Roxas and enjoy it so much. When Roxas allows it I get other things done too like keeping up on the housework, not like I used to but it's good enough. I have only had two "real" jobs in my life and I loved both of them too. Technically I am still employed but I am just on leave right now. Those other jobs were wonderful, don't get me wrong, but I love being a mom and wife the most. In my previous posts I've mentioned pushing my maternity leave back farther and farther and I'm still battling with myself over when I will go back to work...if at all. I have been struggling with this question pretty heavily for the past week or so. I do enjoy my job, but I really have no desire to go back right now and I don't know if I will in the future either. Being at home with Roxas just feels so perfectly right. Then again, my going back to work means two paychecks get added back into the monthly income pool each month. I just finished paying the bills and it's getting tough to stretch every last cent as far as I can. We now have hefty medical bills on top of our regular ones too. Part of me feels like I have no choice but to return to work for the financial aspects of things. The other part feels like I would be taking something away from Roxas. I'm also hoping to begin nursing school (hey look, more student loan bills!) this fall and the thought of work, school and being mommy for Roxas really makes me feel sad. School and mommy just sounds so much nicer. I don't want to miss out on time with Roxas. On the other hand again is my loyalty to my boss. I love my boss like a second mom, she has done so much for me it's ridiculous. She treats me just like a daughter and spoils me accordingly. I will never work for somebody so amazing I am sure. I feel awful when I think about telling her I won't be coming back. She has hired another girl to help out while I've been away but I feel terrible that she is working pretty much 7 days a week due to my absence. So there is my dilemma. I continue to fight myself on this and go back and forth coming up with a pro for every con and a con for every pro. I don't know ultimately what we will decide to do as a family but I am praying for guidance from God and hope that I can listen to His advice.

Well, I wanted to type more but according to Roxas it is brunch time so I had better go open the buffet. Until next time...

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