Sleep. I miss you.

Lucy is high maintenance to the extreme and her sleeping habits are a glaring example of it.

Right now I'm sitting in bed holding a sleeping Lucy but I can't set her in the bassinet next to me because she will instantly start screaming. Sleeping with her next to me is out too, it's incredibly uncomfortable and I'm already sore from putting decorations away today.

It's frustrating not being able to just lay her down and catch some shut eye. I'm the only one awake in the house right now. I know a lot of people will advise the good old cry it out method. I won't be taking that advice though. Why? My instincts tell me not to.

With Roxas I was ok with the method. He would cry for maybe 15 minutes, if that and then he was out. It never sent my mommy senses tingling. Lucy on the other hand, oh boy. She will not stop crying. I'm sure eventually at some point she would become so exhausted that she would sleep but I don't ever want her to cry that long. She absolutely will cry for an hour or more.

My mommy instincts tell me to just keep holding/nursing her and it will eventually work out. They protest the idea of crying it out. It's a feeling I can't explain but just deep in the pit of my stomach I don't feel right about it.

So I may be a hippy dippy, cloth diapering, soap making, attachment type parent. I never thought I would be the person I am today, but I have to trust my instincts and hope they are more right than when I use them to pick lottery numbers.

Hindsight is a Funny Thing

You know they always say hindsight is 20/20 and its so true. Our society is full of sayings referring to good old hindsight.

It has almost been two years since I first became a mom and there are so many things I've already changed about how I fill that roll.

If I would have known then what I know now...

I would have gotten help for my depression a lot sooner. I was in complete denial about how bad things were and I missed out on some serious bonding time with Roxas in those first three months. Of course I loved him but I didn't have the same bond and feelings I've gotten to feel with Lucy as a newborn. I love his goofy self to pieces now and we do have a great bond but therefore was a big difference in how I've bonded with Lucy.

If I would have known then what I know now...
I would have held Roxas more. Lucy is a bit of a diva and prefers to be held oh at least 23.9 hours per day. Sometimes it drives me nuts but really I do love it. I love that she wants her mommy, that she feels so safe in my arms. I feared spoiling Roxas as a baby, and he was content to not be held all the time, I didn't just toss him in the crib and leave him but I regret not holding him more. Putting the nagging piles of chores to be done aside and enjoying holding the tiny person I grew in my body.

If I knew then what I knew now...

I would have prepped better for milk storage. I was a bit lazy about pumping milk for when I went back to school and it became a huge source of anxiety for me. This time I've been super committed to pumping as much as I could from day 1. I am thrilled to have a chest freezer filled with roughly 350oz of milk for Lucy. Plus I keep adding to it every day. Having such an amazing stash has relieved my anxiety about not having enough milk for Lucy when school resumes. Having that weight lifted feels like a boulder has been pulled off my shoulders.

If I knew then what I had known now...

I would have written more down in a journal. My memory is about as good as a collander. I think I will remember that cute and funny thing the kids did forever...and I can't even remember what I ate for breakfast yesterday. I need to write more things down so I can look back and enjoy all those little moments one day when I'm old and gray. I try to write little notes in Lucy's baby book every time she does something super cute or amazing.

If I knew then what I know now...

I would have spent less on baby stuff. Oh boy did I kind of lose my head when it came to buying baby stuff. We really didn't need all that stuff! Then I was scrambling to use everything I bought because well...I bought it so I better use it. The only exception is I would have bought more cloth diapers!

I am sure the things I would have, could have, should have done mean little in the grand scheme of things but I've learned so much over the past two years. So what good is learning all these things if I don't change as a result.

As 2014 kicks off I'm setting a few goals I want to reach. One of which is to be the best kind of mom I can be.