25 Weeks- One Tired Mamma

     25 weeks today and just like that, another week has gone by. It's been a trying week with the semester coming to an end and Roxas working on getting his teeth in I feel like I've been run over by a bus. I miss the days when I could just put my feet up and relax when I was feeling rundown. There is no sitting down and relaxing now. Well, I could sit down and relax but then Roxas would probably destroy half of the house.
     Just another two weeks until third trimester and coincidentally the end of my second semester of nursing school. I won't be going back to school this fall so I will be on my own "maternity leave" until January next year. I'm looking forward to getting to spend those first few months with Lucy and find a routine that works for us before school resumes. It will be a nice break but there are so many friends I will miss by staying behind.
     Ms. Lucy is growing by the second it seems. My instructor asked me if I was wearing a smaller sized scrub top this week compared to the previous one. Apparently my growth over the past week is quite noticeable. She measures up at about 13 1/2 inches and is heading towards the 2lb. mark. This week begins an intensive growth spurt and maturation of the nervous system. More body fat is being deposited and capillaries are forming just under the skin. The cortex of the brain is developing into layers which will allow her to think, play and feel in complex ways. Something kind of strange but interesting...her nostrils are starting to open up this week. Up until now they have been plugged with mucous. If she has hair, we would be able to see the color now. I'm betting she'll be a blond, but who knows maybe she'll have jet black hair at birth like I did.
     If fetal personality is any indication how a baby will be out of the womb then my hopes for a quiet, sleepy, well-behaved baby are not high. She moves all the time and kicks really, really, hard. I'm almost positive my insides are black and blue. She has some serious power behind those little limbs. During my test today I was having a hard time concentrating on the questions while I was being pummeled.
     My body is beginning to give me the signs that I need to start behaving myself a bit better. By the end of the day I no longer have my ankles anymore and my joints hurt in places that I didn't even know had joints. I also breathe like I just ran a marathon just from getting the mail. It's pretty sad really. I'm not sure how I will get through the summer with the 120+ heat and a crazy toddler to round up all the time. I probably won't leave the house (and the A/C). We have another doctor appointment next week and I can't believe how quickly those appointments creep up on me. Seems like I was just at the doctor. Sometimes it seems like we have an eternity left but then again...there aren't all that many weeks left to go.

Until next time...

I Have Issues

     Something I don't talk about a lot is my issues. Granted everybody has issues but for me it's been affecting my life for awhile now and the weird thing is I never realized it until Roxas was born. I suffered from a pretty nasty case of post partum depression (PPD) after Roxas. I am really, really, good at putting on a front and never revealing how I'm really feeling in my head. Heck, half the time I could talk myself into saying I was fine and I'd believe myself. After Roxas I had a hard time keeping my happy face on and things began to show through the cracks. People began noticing, family, friends, and mostly myself.

     I had always wanted to be a mother, it was a passion that burned in me for a very long time. So when I actually became one I had the idea that I was going to be an awesome mother who never got upset when her baby cried, let alone allow him to "cry it out". I would never have a nasty feeling towards him. I would never secretly wish for my life back. Truth be told...I've done all those things. I know I'm not a terrible mother. Roxas is loved, well cared for, happy and healthy. We're doing something right. Still, the birth of Roxas and resulting depression spurred me to actually get some help.

     I found myself in my primary care physicians office telling her how I felt. All the nitty-gritty, awful, feelings. We talked more and I walked out with a prescription and a referral to a counselor. I met with the counselor and learned a lot about myself. It was odd, she would ask a question and I'd go yeah, you know what that is exactly what it's like. Then she said something that, if I'm honest, I have wondered about before. She said "You sound exactly like you have a mood disorder". Great. I'm crazy.

     What I found was looking back at my behavior and feelings there were somethings that were perfectly normal but then there were some things absolutely not normal. I had never been able to explain the weird feelings I would get and I kind of assumed they were just normal for a growing teenage girl. They weren't normal. I have cycles of hypomania, which are not as severe as a full-blown mania but they are the times where I get excited, hyper, can't sleep, and want to do 8 projects all at once. It's great really. I have energy, I want to do everything and anything, those states I'm not too bothered by. Then there are the depressive cycles. These suck. I get into a "funk" for usually 3-5 days where I don't want to do anything. Food doesn't sound good, so I don't eat. I am almost constantly teetering on the verge of tears, I will feel worthless and usually this is when the "I'm a terrible mom" thoughts start in. I have no joy anymore, and I just want to lay there and slip into oblivion. This is also the state where I can become angry very quickly and with no warning. One of Kenny's favorite stories is how I shook him while we were working on our house one day. I hate this story because I remember the feeling. Yes, I was frustrated about something but in a nanosecond I went from just annoyed to so full of rage it's scary. I've been known to scream, yell, throw things, break stuff, and my famous trick of just leaving when upset. I overreact and once it starts I'm pretty worthless at stopping it. That is the worst thing- I can't just snap out of it. It's like asking a paraplegic to wiggle their toes...as much as they really want to...their body just won't let them. That's how it is. I realize I'm in a depressive state but I can't stop it.

       Thankfully the majority of the time I'm balanced between the two states but it can tip one way or the other instantly. My medication gave me some relief, although other types of medications were discussed to try and really get these mood swings under control. The problem with the other meds was their potency. They have serious side effects and many of them are unsafe for breastfeeding (let alone pregnancy). I went off of my one medication after finding out I was pregnant because even though it's considered to be "OK" for pregnant women...I don't trust anything. The benefit was not worth any possible risk to Lucy. Thankfully it has been studied to the max concerning breastfeeding and they've found it's just fine. So I'll be back on it after delivery, but I'm also going to give the placenta thing a try (again). I've read so many stories from other moms with mood disorders that have benefited, I just have to try it. I'm doing it myself this time though, the last "professional" I had just stole my money and organ. Long story for another day.

     Anyways, as a result of being off medication for the pregnancy all of my crazy has come back. Pregnancy hormones don't help one bit, they tend to shift me into one cycle or another. It was really, really, bad in the beginning when the hormones were at their craziest and I had just come off my meds. It got better for awhile but recently I've gone through another hypomanic cycle and begun my depressive cycle. For me they do tend to happen almost back to back, like my body over-corrects the mania and goes depressive. It is a constant struggle to keep myself from totally losing it, and having a family to care for (oh and then there is school) can push me to my limits during these times. I've been trying to learn how to cope with my moods better and learn what helps them and what makes them worse. It's a huge challenge, and one that I'm pretty quiet about but I feel like I shouldn't stuff it away anymore. It's a part of me and it's made being a mother more of a challenge that I ever thought it could be.